​雅思作文范文及教师点评

雅思作文范文及教师点评

People can go to hop, bank and work with a computer. But the danger of the computer i that people are getting iolated and loing ome ocial kill. To what extent do you agree or diagree with thi opinion?

The progreion of computer i inevitable and undeniable. Nowaday computer alo have become a part of our daily life. Intead of leaving home to go to hop bank and work people can do thee at home by clicking the button. However, ome people hold the opinion that it will caue people iolated from each other and loe ocial kill. Peronally I find it hard for me to agree with thi opinion by following reaon

In the firt intance, computer are tool to communication with people intead of iolation from the world. When we ay a peron i iolated it mean that he i lonely and cut off the world. However, people eldom have thi feeling while they are urfing the Internet. On the contrary, people tend to make more friend through the net.

Secondly, people alo can acquire ocial kill on Internet. Communication on Internet ha the ame purpoe a face-to-face communication ha. For example, through Internet we can end greeting card to our friend. Furthermore, ometime it might be a better way of communication on ome occaion uch a when you find it embarraing to ay orry face to face we can end a meage of apology to your friend.

Lat but not leat, doing omething through Internet actually pare more time for our ocial life. Sometime we need to pend a lot of time hopping in department tore. Now we can ave the time and may viit our friend.

In general, computer jut make our life more colorful o we don’t need to worry about the change it may bring to u. Epecially mot of thee change are poitive.

讲评：

原文总体上逻辑是清楚的，直接回答了题中的问题，并得出了自己的结论。结构比较清晰，而且显示了考生在一定程度上运用复杂句型的能力。然而，一些表达显得笨拙，有的地方出现重复，不符合英文表达习惯（如原文首段的Peronally I find it hard for me to agree…中的I和for me 重复。by following reaon应为for the following reaon. 第三段的Communication on Internet ha the ame purpoe a face-to-face communication ha. 原文反复使用了Internet, 没有使用替换词）文中出现了不少语法和用词错误（如原文的第一段的progreion多指空间的变化，如距离和音乐演奏等，技术的进步应用progre 或improvement；Internet前一般要加the等）。原文第三段所举的例子似乎和前面的主题句的意思不是同一概念，对前句没有进一步说明的作用。因此考生会在这几个方面失分。因此，根据雅思现行评分标准，我认为该文总分应为6.5分。

请大家参照经我改写的范文对比研习。

There i no doubt that the progre of computer cience i inevitable. Nowaday the computer ha become a part of our daily life. Intead of leaving home for hopping, banking or work, people can do all thee at home by clicking the button only. However, ome people hold the opinion that thi will make people feel iolated from each other and loe ocial kill. Peronally I find it hard to agree with thi view for the following reaon

In the firt intance, computer are a ueful communication tool which may help u to get rid of the feeling of iolation. When we ay a peron i iolated, it mean that he i lonely and cut off from the world. However, people eldom have uch feeling while they are urfing the Internet. On the contrary, people tend to make more friend via cyberpace.

Secondly, people alo can acquire ocial kill on the Internet. Online communication appear to have the ame effect a a face-to-face encounter. For example, with the help of a webcam and a microphone, we can ee each other and talk about any ubject we like. Furthermore, ometime it could be a better way of expreing yourelf on a particular occaion. For intance, when you find it embarraing to talk about omething with your friend face to face, you can end him a meage online.

Lat but not leat, doing omething via the Internet actually pare more time for our ocial life. Sometime we may have to pend a lot of time hopping in department tore, but now we can ave the time for a viit to our friend.

To conclude, computer make our life more colorful, o we don’t need to worry about the change they may bring to u. It i very likely that mot of thee change are poitive.

(303 word)

修改讲解：

原文第一段：Progreion 一般表示空间的移动，用在这里修饰技术进步不准确，应改为progre, improvement等。leaving home to go to hop … 不如改为leaving home for hopping … 更为简练。Peronally I find it hard for me to agree…中的I和for me 重复, for me 应删掉。by following reaon应为for the following reaon. 该段最后两句都用了opinion，有重复之嫌，故后句改为view。

.html 2012雅思作文范文点评

原文第二段： computer are tool to communication with people intead of iolation from the world有语法错误。改为computer are a ueful communication tool which may help u to get rid of the feeling of iolation 更准确。Cut off the world 漏写了from。 Through the net 改为via cyberpace更符合现代英语的书面表达，而且原文过多使用了the Internet, 应适当使用替换词。

原文第三段：Internet 前应加上the。Communication on Internet ha the ame purpoe a face-to-face communication ha. 不仅有语法错误，而且表达笨拙，似改为Online communication appear to have the ame effect a a face-to-face encounter.更符合英语表达习惯。另外，该段所举的例子缺乏说服力。

原文第四段：除个别地方有小的错误，没有其他什么问题。

最后一段： computer 前应有冠词，或用复数形式。最后一句epecially一般不用在句首引导一个句子。